irregular

i am not very consistent at this blogging journey yet... but fall is coming and no doubt i will get into a routine of posting more often...

change of what? chothes??? and what was that little isalnd?

So I'm sitting on the sandy shores of a beautiful beach at a provincial park in Parksville BC on an amazing island shoreline  http://www.env.gov.bc.ca/bcparks/explore/parkpgs/rathtrevor/
I'm sitting on a blanket, have my best buddy dog Bailey with me, a book a bottle of crisp clean water and a blanket. The day is perfect, really clear, blue skies and warm temperatures. I look across the water and i see another island and i think to myself.. "man it looks beautiful over there, oh i wish i was there, look at the trees and the shore and the skies". then i kinda had an out of body moment you know when you hear what you have actually said... it dawns on me that someone, even myself... could be sitting on that shore over there and saying the exact same thing about what they were seeing on the beach i was sitting on. This really brought home the principal of appreciating what you have to me. Why do things always look better just over yonder... just over there.. if only i had your.... or your.... or if only i was... or ..... I am intentionally trying to appreciate what i have, where i am and what i am able to do... perspective is everything. we all have "stuff" to deal with.. it's called life... and some of it is pretty serious!  but how we deal with it, how we perceive it... how we cope and how we progress... that is what makes or breaks us and determines our happiness and peace of mind... as the saying goes "it's not about having what you want, it's about wanting what you have". Now i am not advocating a life of tolerance or unhappiness, of settling and not striving for your best and what you deserve as a human being with dignity and rights... but i am saying appreciate what you (I) have... live in the moment and enjoy what is around you. if you don't or can't then evaluate what changes need to be made. Is it a change of address? job? partner? friend? clothes? or just attitude and perspective? (clothes are so much easier to change!)
you know, i never did figure out what that little island was. i just decided to enjoy exactly where i was and what i was doing.

Pity Party Pit

I don't know where you live but i have spent many many years dwelling in the bottom of a pity pit. i held regular parties and was the guest of honor at each. i sent out tonnes of invites and wanted everyone to join me there in my pit. i felt alone, week, useless, sad, and really thought I had it pretty rough. and believe me i have a list of circumstances that validated this state of mind. Then one day i wondered.... why? why do i always feel like the victim? why do I always feel like bad stuff was all i would ever have in my life? why did i always feel sorry for myself?  Well one day I got a little mad. I was tired of the same party, tired of the lack of control of my own life. tired of doctors and specialists and my own negative thought patterns telling me how it was and dictating how i felt. So i reached up out of my pity party pit and gave myself a little smack upside the head and realized if i wanted things to change, or be different i would have to see them differently, think of them differently and address them differently. It is a lot of hard work to change ones thinking and look for the positive when you are preprogrammed the opposite. But bit by bit and thought by thought i started to believe, to hope, to affirm, to see things in a more optimistic way and not let the little things de-rail my whole day or mood. a small example would be; the other day I saw a baby deer when i was out on my walk I was so close I could have almost touched the little darling. as i continued on my walk i later saw a dead rabbit, this was an upsetting site and normally i would focus and ruminate on that entirely, forgetting the deer, but instead i said a little farewell to the poor rabbit and focused on that baby deer that brightened my day. it is small steps like these that are helping me to re-train my thought patterns and give me the quality of life I am striving to achieve. I have had a number of years of the negativity all around me, and yes, it is an effort to re program my thinking. But the benefits outweigh the effort. I love feeling proud of myself, I love being able to say, and believe, I am worthy. I love not losing a whole day to negativity when in fact it was a 30 minute portion of an otherwise glorious day. I am continually stretching myself and trying to live a conscious life with purpose and intention. it is an effort but one that pays off in so many ways I never imagined possible. I am the only one who can make me happy, it is a choice not a situation and I am determined to be happy dang it! and proud, this is an effort for me... but one that is well worth the fight.. So if you find you are at the same address I was I hope that you too can grasp hold of a root or branch and claw your way out of the pity party pit, there are much better parties to be had out here... come on you can do this!

Why Do I Feel Guilty When I am Happy

have you ever noticed, or perhaps it is just me and the circle of people i am surrounded with, but in general it seems people don't want to hear good news, they don't want to see the bright side, or hear how great your day, hour, week or life is...I often find myself feeling ashamed to admit i am happy, ashamed to admit I had an awesome day. Embarrased to announce that hey! I like myself, I am getting stronger all the time, I am proud of my accomplishments and the woman I am becoming. Not pride or arrogance, but a healthy self image. I am just gaining this image, it does not come naturaly at all but I am teaching myself to feel good about myself, to accept, and love and praise myself...why not... i do others...The trick now is to not let others derail me from this mindset or drag me back into the pity party pit (more on this later). I lived there for many years and have been clawing my way out for the last 3 years. sometimes i lose my grip and slide down a bit. but i am getting better at not staying there long and climbing right back out. yeah me... go me... shhhh me

taking care of ME

This is how taking care of me looked today. Got up had coffee and time with the dogs… did an awesome walk with some great tunes. Got some fresh veggies and groceries and a starbucks for the road. Got our food prepped for the week. I’m talking eggs boiled, porridge made, veggies sliced diced and ready to roast, chicken diced and stirfried for wraps, a roast ready for tonight, (fish for me), yogurt and fruit mixed and dished… one heckofa food prep session… but all done for the next few days and I don’t have to think about it again… grab my goodness and go… keeps me on track with my goals… oh stripped, washed and made bed, moved furniture vacuumed and got carpets cleaned… seriously how can you not love Starbucks coffee? I have been a bit lax with the food prep this summer and the scales are reflecting it. While 2 hours in the kitchen may not seem like a treat to yourself it really is. I am the only one who can achieve my goals and the only way to do that is to have a plan and set some goals, it isn't going to happen by wishing that is for sure! So while it is a bit early for the fall routine to kick back in I can not afford any more lazy weeks without doing the food prep for myself..back to routine I go! What did you do for the good of yourself today?

pep talk from my 65 year-old self

Remember back when you were 45 and you had lost what you thought was enough weight. you were eating clean most of the time but there was room for improvement. you were doing what was just enough exercise to maintain your 60 lb loss but not enough to lose any more. and you were struggling with the decision to either settle and stay at that level of fitness, which you may recall wasn't really that much compared to what you were truly capable off. Well you should be proud you pushed yourself further and didn't take the easy way out as the mobility, flexibility, health, pride, confidence and joy you gained was worth every pain and every drop of sweat and every ounce of determination you could muster up. Thank you for thinking of me before you even knew me. I am proud to know you and so appreciate being able to enjoy this years, living life to the fullest! I will do the same for my 75 year old self too.

decision time

well i met with a plastic surgeon yesterdary re tummy tuck and breast lift. he recommended if i was intending to loose any more weight i do it before the surgery. so now i have to decide. am i prepared to fight my way down another 10 lbs (really 30 would be beter). will i be willing to live a stricter life nutritionaly and sustain more fitness regularly? really puts me on the spot to make the next step or settle in to live as it is... some how it feels like i would be settling if i didn't go for the next 10 lbs... i just don't know if realistically i can keep it off? the clean eating kitchen table crew and all those powerful woman of iron have really made me believe i could achieve more.... but can i? no... will i choose to go for it? some times it is just so nice to coast along.... hmmmm?  it is such a fight for me with the fibromyalgia and the level of pain i live with to keep pushing though..... but?? lots to think about...